In Transformers 2: Revenge of The Fallen, the first explosion came SIX minutes into the film. Maybe that should have clued me in?
Needless to say, what everyone with half a mind said was true. It WAS an orgy of robots, explosions, and exploding robots. I told R I was coming in there for the effects, and on that level, I didn't feel disappointed AT ALL. The effects were nice, like J (plus everyone and their mother) said. But like the saying goes, too much of one thing is bad. In this case, very bad.
Mr. Michael Bay, sir. There's such a thing as overkill, y'know? Well, okay. Either you knew it and that was the whole point of this sequel, or you didn't and you just went overoverboard. Any which way, I can say without doubt in your mind that what you said in that interview was true. You DID enjoy making this movie. You delved into your fetish for blowing things up SO MUCH that you forgot how to tell a proper story.
Anyway, before anything else, lemme get fangirlism outta way:
- John Turturro = Stellar. I love you always.
- Shia = Brilliant. Really. I just hope he finds himself a Coppola/Scorsese/Burtonesque director. (Read: Run away from The Bay, kid. RUN AWAY.)
- Bumblebee is the coolest Autobot on Earth. I'm sure he'd make a great fillet-o-fish. Or rellenong bangus, at that.
- Tyrese is hot.
- Josh Duhamel is hotter.
- Optimus is HOTness ROBOFIED.
And finally, Angel's list of things to get revenge on:
(If there's a pun somewhere there, it's intended, yes.)
Also - { SPOILER ALERT! }
- The bad guys outnumbered the good guys by a MILE. It was kinda understandable though, this being a movie about the bad guys getting revenge and all. But glossing over the good guys like that? Yurusenai. I didn't even catch the name of that Corvette! That's my car!
- WHERE WAS ARCEE?! I've been expecting some hardcore female Autobot action and WTF happens? What? That's right. Nothing. With a capital N. Apparently, she was supposed to be a three-in-one deal; prolly why the rider holograms all looked alike. An attempt at the Maiden-Mother-Crone archetype? Wow. Someone ought to win a teddy bear for that.
- Was Michael Bay channeling Chekhov with all those anti-climactic funny inserts or have I had too much Fiction class? Hmm. Probably not. Because if he did, the way Megan Fox impossible-to-be-true body was slathered all over the motorcycle in the beginning should have had her riding Arcee towards the end.
- Circly-round shots are dizzying. Especially when the moment you're circling and trying to preserve is along the lines of Megan and Shia all kissy-kissy and cheesy-cheesy with lines like "I adore you. That's the same as the other word." John Lloyd called. He wants his line back. Also - barf bag, please?
- Where are the Autobots? What? Aren't those guys Decepticons?
- Oooh, me boss pala si Megatron? Ay, wait. Basag na pala sha. Sus. Fine. Tara, uwian na.
- Jetfire would be how a fanboy would look like if he were a robot and he got old. I knew the moment Optimus died that someone was gonna have to sacrifice a life. But it just HAD to be the fanboy, hadn't it?
- Megatron (matapos i-talk-to-the-hand at isnabin ni Optimus): "WAH STARSCREAM! UWI NA TAYO! Me Part 3 pa naman eh!"
- On that note, Starscream should get the Dakilang Julalay Award of The Year. Bagong bayani ng mga inalisputang robots yan.
- The epic-est fail of all "epic" battles: Optimus vs. The Fallen. It's like the story of my lovelife too: It was over before it even started.
- Also, Sam's death and resurrection with the Prime brothers? I can't decide whether it's simple deus ex machina or Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows meets Dumbledore in the afterlife.
- Sooooo, yeah. Where was I? Right. Questions. Where did that chihuahua-acting Decepticon go right before they hung out the Pyramids? And Sam's roomie - Whasisname - where'd he go after S7 guy (Turturro) went all hero-ey? Answer me those, and I'll tell you why Sam continued dragging Mikaela across the desert while he had Bumblebee drive his parents off to safety.
Answer: It's so the 14-year-old boys can FINALLY see how her boobs jiggle as she runs off in slow-effin-motion.
Gah.
I shouldn't even say this anymore, but since Pointing Out the Obvious is Aki's Useless Skill #57, I'll go ahead and say it anyway.
Sequel sucked. I liked the first one better; Megan was definitely hotter there.
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